


Autocorrect

by My_Alter_Ego



Category: White Collar (TV 2009)
Genre: Autocorrections, Gen, Texting
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-03-07
Updated: 2021-03-07
Packaged: 2021-03-13 08:53:59
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 659
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29898645
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/My_Alter_Ego/pseuds/My_Alter_Ego
Summary: This is just a whimsical story of a failure in communication between Peter and Neal. I guess it’s happened to us all at one time or another.
Relationships: Peter Burke & Neal Caffrey
Comments: 5
Kudos: 24





	Autocorrect

Peter was sitting in the surveillance van with Jones and Diana. It was summer and it was hot and sticky inside the vehicle, but Peter was sucking it up for the sake of the undercover op that Neal had undertaken. His CI was currently hobnobbing with some rich dude and his friends on the family yacht out on Long Island Sound. The playboy, who was sailing the craft, was currently financially stymied, so he had resorted to becoming greedy. Apparently his Daddy Warbucks father had temporarily cut him off monetarily, so a pissed off son had clumsily orchestrated a robbery in New York. It was an inelegant smash and grab of some rare and valuable coins from a numismatist’s collection, which he intended to sell to support his extravagant lifestyle. The Feds had obtained a warrant for his trendy SoHo loft and came up empty. Playing a hunch, Peter and his band of White Collar minions surmised that the only other place Junior may have stashed the goods was somewhere on this luxury craft.

Neal was about the same age as the suspected perp, and, like the good con man that he was, had struck up an acquaintance and wangled an invitation to go for a spin on the scenic Sound. If he got the opportunity, he intended to do a little sleuthing to find the smoking gun, or, in this case, the stolen coins. It was too far out on the water for a listening device to be of any use, so con man and handler had to resort to texting. So far, Neal hadn’t made contact, so Peter nudged him with an impatient message.

**Peter:** _“Any luck yet?”_

**Neal:** _“Working on it. I’m actually underneath the top dick right now.”_

**Peter:** _“I don’t think I understand what you’re doing?!”_

**Neal:** _“I told my new breastfed buddy that I’m going to hunker down under his elegant dick so I can masturbate in peace. That should buy me some thyme.”_

**Peter:** _“NEAL!”_

**Neal _:_** _“What? You have to take it slow if you want to do it right and get results.”_

**Peter:** _“Neal—please read your texts before you send them!”_

**Neal:** _“Sorry, that was supposed to say ‘menstruating.’ Duckin’ autocorrect!”_

**Peter:** _“???—no clue!”_

**Neal:** _“MEDITATING!!! I typed that I told my new BEST FRIEND buddy that I wanted to go below DECK to MEDITATE!”_

**Peter _:_** _“You’re killing me here, Buddy! I lost Jones at masturbating, and Diana at menstruating. They both died laughing.”_

**Neal** _: :-(_

**Peter:** _“No emogees! Just get the job done and find the coins.”_

**Neal:** _“I’m trying but I’m getting a little sneezy. Why couldn’t this dude have stashed his cons in a regular asshole that doesn’t keep bobbing around.”_

**Peter:** _“I’m going to read between those fractured lines and assume you meant ‘queasy,’ and ‘bolt hole’ to stash ‘coins.'”_

**Neal:** _“Thanks for pointing that out. Sometimes your such a jerk, Peter!”_

**Peter** : **_“You’re,_** _you mean.”_

**Neal:** _“No I’m not.”_

**Peter:** _“Syntax, Neal— **You’re** is the proper word. It should read— **You’re** such a jerk.”_

**Neal:** _“Now your pissing me off.”_

**Peter:** _“ **You’re**!!!”_

**Neal:** _“Fine! Have it **you’re** way!”_

**Peter:** _“In that instance, the proper word is **your,** indicating possessive case rather than a contraction for **you are**.”_

**Neal:** _“That’s it! I’m not sexting anymore! Tell Diana and Jones I’ll only fornicate with them from now on. Your Peter will just have to take care of stupid grammar tissues later!”_

**Peter** : _“Begin the last sentence with **You** —not ‘ **your’** this time, and please put commas in appropriate places for clarity to offset my name. And just so you know, Jones and Diana are only willing to communicate, not fornicate.”_

**Neal:** _“OMG! Stop trying to bake me.”_

**Peter:** _“Was that ‘bait’ me or ‘break’ me? I think I’m starting to like this game.”_

**Neal:** _F*** U!”_

By the way, Neal did find the hidden stolen coins, the bad guy was arrested, and everybody was hoppy—I mean “happy.”

**Author's Note:**

> I have to confess, these were not all original ideas.


End file.
